enough.

So I'm reading this book Captivating (John and Stasi Eldredge). The main idea is that every little girl has a question: "Am I captivating? Am I beautiful? Do you see me?" As a girl we get our question answered by our dad, our mom, whoever else may be in our life. Parents aren't perfect but after hearing certain answers to our questions, we are wounded.

Because the answer is no,
I don't see you. I'd rather look at this. You're in the way of the TV...move!
You don't have my attention, this is more important.
You're not beautiful, you're just in the way.

These are the messages I've gotten personally that I have written on my heart. My mom has done her best to tell me I'm beautiful and smart. Sometimes she ignores me but overall I think she's answered my question with a yes, I am captivating.

My dad on the other hand has given mixed messages. When I was young I was daddy's little girl. Sometimes I was his everything, but when he had something better to do (watch tv, play on the computer, talk on the phone), I was basically supposed to shut up. He's given me the idea especially now that I'm older and busier that I'm not seen. He doesn't make me feel ugly, just unimportant. He doesn't have time to look at me... he has a busy life to live. I'm not enough to keep his attention for very long. And my mom isn't enough to keep him at home, to make him want to be a good husband.

There's a lot of things I could say are my fault, but I know that's not the truth. It's my fault my parents are even miserably together. They stayed together for me. I don't really blame myself, but I know I am the reason for it. I don't blame myself for making my mother miserable. She chooses to stay in an unhealthy relationship.

I don't really feel like I'm the woman the book talks about. I feel like I'm still the little girl. I'm still getting my question answered by my parents. I'm not the wife who hasn't healed from her wounds. I haven't treated my children with the same attitudes and given them the same messages I was given. I'm still the girl being wounded, receiving the messages.

The book challenges the woman to ask God to show her her own beauty. I've never really had a huge issue with how I look. I hardly ever wear makeup. I'm fine with my body for the most part. I don't put a whole lot of time into my appearance, just enough to take care of myself. I don't feel ugly usually, but often I don't feel like I'm enough, aside from my physical appearance.

I need to forgive my dad for making me feel like I'm not enough and forgive my mom for sometimes making me feel like I'm not important. I go in a circle of apathy and bitterness. I don't care about my dad and I count it as a benefit when he doesn't notice me, because then he can't lecture me or talk about stuff I honestly don't care about. Then I turn it to bitterness. I'm bitter because he doesn't give me the attention I want, that I used to have. I get angry because of how he treats my mom and the example he sets to me of how to treat her and also how I'm supposed to be treated as a wife one day. So I set this standard that I'm never going to marry someone like that and I will never be treated like this. I need to let go though and forgive.

I need Jesus to heal me. I need to know that I am enough. I am important. I don't have to be the perfect woman in order to make my husband stay faithful. I don't have as much to say about this because I haven't done it yet.

I need Jesus to answer me... Am I captivating? Does he see me? Does he think I'm beautiful?

So this is my journey... to see what he's already written about these things.
I'm going to find the answers that he's already given.