lesson one.

This week has been stressful, convicting, annoying, delightful. It has been a time of rejoicing and a time of trusting on power that I don't have in myself. Studying the Word of God really does change your life, even if it is for school. I was challenged to use studying for a 17 page test as a time to worship. Honestly, this week I haven't even made time for my own personal reading and studying and listening to the Word alone. But being taught from the Bible for 8 hours a day and studying for at least 2 additional hours each day... it's just as effective. There's no way my mind could comprehend all that. I had to rely on the Holy Spirit to comprehend the fraction that I did understand. I'm thankful that He gives spiritual discernment to believers. I'm thankful for the help I've received by confidence that I would receive it. I did not doubt that God would help me to understand His Word. But "ye have not, because ye ask not." So I asked, and He provided. :) Every time.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
James 1:5-8

"Cause when push comes to shove you taste what you're made of. You might bend til you break, cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad. You get strong. Wipe your hands, shake it off! Then you stand! Every time you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place."
Rascal Flatts

This past 7 days, push HAS come to shove. I have bent, almost to the point of breaking, cause it was all I could take. I had decided I'd had enough. On my knees, I've looked up toward heaven and found answers. I got mad. I got strong... I've shaken things off. And I've stood back up. And every time this has repeated itself, one more part of me has fallen into place.

"Come on now, every one falls down. Everyone crawls now and then. Then they get up again. You cry if you want to. That's what we all do. But if you think you'll never move on, you're wrong baby. Cry baby, cry, baby, cry! Go on and let it all out! I ain't leavin you now. And we can fly, baby, fly, baby, fly."
Martina McBride

I've recently relearned that it's okay to cry. It's healthy to cry. Cry when you're happy. Cry when you're sad, stressed, upset, and need to get it all out of your system. People have let me know they're not leaving me, and that they love me. It's a wonderful thing. It feels good, but it's more than a feeling. When every one walks out, the people who love you SHOW you that they do. And when those people can make you happy, you can fly baby! But... those people don't always make me happy. They disappoint me. They aren't everything I want them to be. Because they can't fulfill my deepest longing. Only Jesus can satisfy. I'm learning that also. My happiness and identity has been based on my human relationships. When they disappoint me, or go wrong, or have stress, then I fall apart. If I based my happiness and identity in Christ, the only disappointment I'd have is a result of my sin, not a result of His unfaithfulness.

"If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself." 2 Timothy 2:18

"I'm falling apart. I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's stilll beating. In the pain, there is healing. In your name, I find meaning. So I'm holding on. I'm holding on.I'm holding on. I'm barely hanging on to you."
Lifehouse

It sounds so desperate. Isn't that what we (Christians) are to be? Desperate for Jesus? Nothing without Him? Often, I'm desperate. But rarely do I turn to Jesus to answer my despair. "In the pain, there is healing." Sometimes it hurts. I can't always be strong. I can't do everything myself. I have been forced to ask for help. I think I'm superwoman and don't need anyone's help. I don't want to rely on anyone. But my pride only goes so far, before I'm back to square one: despair. Thank You, Jesus for answering my despair.


"The broken locks were a warning. You got inside my head. I tried my best to be guarded. I'm an open book instead."

A person I talked to somewhat recently. He is a father and gave me a mental picture of what I looked like before God. If his son were to come to him crying, he would want to help. He would want to fix the problem, explain why the son shouldn't be upset, and provide comfort and healing. But if the son just stands there, looking at him, crying, but not saying anything, how is the father to help his son? He just stands there watching his son cry. It hurts the father because He loves and cares for the son and ants to help, but the son doesn't trust him enough to tell him.

That's how the Father was looking at me. As I cried over something stupid that pushed me over the edge, all the pressures, stress, and brokenness built up over months was finally overflowing. And instead of turning to God, I tried to deal with it myself. Again, my pride only goes so far. And I'm desperate. My father was standing there, watching me cry, and was sad because I couldn't turn to Him and talk to Him, tell Him what was wrong, and let Him deal with my problems: big and small.

That mental picture got my attention and if it's possible for a broken heart to be broken again, then my heart was broken by this picture. How ignorant I am. God clearly put that person in my life at that particular moment. He tore down my walls so easily, simply because he waited for the right time. It wasn't even someone close to me. Just someone who could tell that I was upset, stressed, aggravated, ready to scream. "What's wrong? Something's bothering you. I can see a big burden you're carrying around." That's all it took and I was in tears..."The broken locks were a warning. You got inside my head. I tried my best to be guarded. I'm an open book instead." Thank you. for tearing down my walls. for opening my book. for caring about me and loving me even from afar.


"HEY SOUL SISTER, AIN'T THAT MR. MISTER ON THE RADIO? STEREO? THE WAY YOU MOVE AINT FAIR YA KNOW... HEY SOUL SISTER, I DON'T WANNA MISS A SINGLE THING YA DO TONIGHT. HEY!!! HEEEYEYEYEYEYYY JUST IN TIME, I'M SO GLAD YOU HAVE A ONE TRACK MIND LIKE ME." Train I miss yelling/singing this song in the car with you. And doing anything with you. I love having you home, love hearing your voice on the phone from so far away, and hate saying bye every few months. But I'm glad our friendship is strong enough that distance hasn't really made us any further from each other. You're one of the only people that I say I love frequently and mean it every time. I heard 8 second ride the other day. I hate that song, but I listened to it just because it reminded me of you.


You're refreshing. You are good to talk to, good to listen to, and good to spend time with. I never feel like I have to impress you or hide anything, or be anything less than me. Thanks for laughing at me, with me, and at yourself with me.


I love you dearly but you break my heart. You think you have such a happy life. I see a glimpse of what happiness you could experience if you had true joy.


It's hard for me to accept this demotion.

You make things so complicated. You're a drama queen. You are always into something, never boring. I love you no matter what you do, how stupid you act, what lack of thought you give to life.... You're still a good friend and just... one of a kind for sure. There's no one quite like you in my life... I like that.


Really honey? Come on now... do you see that you're walking from one house of pain into another one?? Be happy by yourself. You're so sweet and can be sooooo fake. To a certain extent, that's a gift. I feel privileged to know you enough to sometimes know when you're faking it. You deserve someone as sweet as yourself. I wanna help you as much as I can and I hope you'll maybe wonder why I'm different. You probably already do... but maybe you'll really think about it and ask.


Goodness... I love you but you are sooooo much more annoying now. Not sure when you crossed that line...


I missed you too. I thought about you... not alot... but sometimes. You're cute and have a sweet heart even if you try to be callous and the strongest and best. You're another one who is one of a kind in my life. I've got no one like you. But I really wanna know you better. I feel like I don't know you very well, and that needs to change.


Where have you been?!?! Geez just forget about me! I miss you... sorta...

You better take me down, take me down, take me down to the little white church! Momma warned me about your game. She don't like you anyway. No more callin' me baby. No more lovin like crazy. No more chicken and gravy. Ain't gunna have your baby, til ya take me down, take me down, take me down to the little white church.